One of the worst things to happen in the immediate aftermath of Sybella's death, was the day we came home from somewhere to find a great big box out the front of our house. Upon opening it, I remembered that two weeks before, I had searched the internet high and low for a specific-sized plastic baby change mat. The website that I finally found it on also made gorgeous toys, and so I spent way too much money on a bear and a rabbit. Coming home, to find that my order had arrived for my baby that wasnt alive anymore was terrible. It made me see just how much can change in two weeks. It showed me how life goes on for internet companies and Australia Post, while my life had ground to a screaming halt. And they werent to know. 
Funnily enough, when the order arrived, two bears and a rabbit were sent, instead of one bear and one rabbit. I was not charged for this extra bear, so I wonder if there was some kind of divine intervention? I was able to place one bear and the rabbit in Sybella's casket, to watch over her and keep her company. I was able to keep one of the beautiful bears as well, as a reminder of how ready we were for her to come home. And boy, were we ready! You can see a picture...the clothes that were washed and folded, one day before Sybella died in my womb. The new lampshade that my father in law fitted over the bare bulb hanging from the ceiling, so that the light wouldnt be too stark for her. The woollen sheepskin, handwashed and dried, and the head support, placed in the pram, so she could be as comfortable as possible. I was particularly worried about her head lolling about, because when Jack was a newborn, his head rolled around in the car seat, the pram and everything else...I had no idea about head supports! I wasnt going to let that happen again, and so I was super excited that Sybella's head would be firmly supported! One day, I was with Merrill, in Target or something, browsing in the baby section. I found some pink cellular blankets to buy. Merrill told me about a friend who wouldnt accept any gifts for her unborn baby, or would she buy anything herself, until the baby was born. Merrill said her friend said it was bad luck, and knew a girl who had everything set up, ready for the baby, and the baby died. Merrill and I scoffed at this piece of superstitious nonsense. "Gosh," I said "the baby didnt die because she accepted gifts and bought things. The baby died because there was something wrong." To prove my point, I not only bought the cellular blankets, but load of other baby paraphanalia as well. My baby wasnt going to die because I purchased blankets!
I wonder if I am "the girl" now, who is referred to in a hushed whisper, that bought all her baby's things, and the baby died? "Do you remember Stephanie? She had everything ready, and her baby was stillborn. You dont want to jinx it....."
Am I the moral of the story?
You didn't jinx it. Because my pregnancy was so complicated I got quite funny about people buying us things and told them not to until the baby was here. But that didn't keep Matilda safe and sometimes I feel guilty that we didn't get everything ready for her (we were half ready and knew we'd have some time while she was in the NICU) - like I thought she was never coming home. Which isn't true - there were just so many unknowns I couldn't throw myself into decorating a nursery and getting ready like other pregnant women do.
ReplyDeleteHugs. And that bear is just beautiful. Maddie x