I deliberately named this post Considering More Children, not Considering More Pregnancies, because as the time comes to think about adding to our family, Kelvin and I have been talking seriously about adoption.
Not just adoption, though. I definitely want to be pregnant again and give birth to a biological child, if nothing else, to put faith back into my own body. And to give life again, to welcome a new baby that we have created, to experience the midwife placing a warm, wet, crying baby on my breast. I need to do that.
But Kelvin and I are also very much aware of countless children in the world who are without families. So I am going to divide this post in two parts, one dedicated to adoption, one to pregnancy.
Considering Pregnancy Again
When Sybella was first born, and after we left the hospital, I was flooded with hormones and instincts. All new mothers experience this, and it's normal, of course. But I didnt have my baby to nurture (physically). She wasnt here. So my thoughts led to desperation to get pregnant again as soon as possible. All I wanted was a baby in my arms. I felt empty. I was full of milk and tears. When I started my cycle again exactly a month after Sybella's birth, I took it as a good sign that my body was ready. But then I panicked. What on Earth was I thinking? I didnt want a "new" baby, I wanted Sybella. I read somewhere that you arent ready to get pregnant again until you can differentiate between wanting a new baby, or wanting the baby that died. And I still wanted the baby that died. So I wasnt ready. But I was struck. Struck with fear. Fear that I'd never have another baby. Fear that we'd experience infertility again. Fear that my next baby will also be stillborn. Fear that Jack would be an only child. When you are by nature, a maternal entity, someone who has known from a young age that they only wanted to be a mother, and who dedicated their studies and profession to children's education while I sat, biding my time until I could have a baby of my own, these fears are paralysing. And considering another pregnancy is paralysing. I cannot feel my grief lifting, so how can I put myself through another pregnancy? What kind of toll will it take on me, physically and emotionally? I guess the only thing to do is to wait. Wait and see. It WILL happen, I know.
I see that little blonde boy so clearly. I think his name is Ned.
Back when we were trying to conceive Sybella, and having trouble, Kelvin mentioned the idea of adoption. I was surprised. It had crossed my mind, but I didnt think he'd be up for it. Biological family ties and blood relations are very important to Kelvin, he places much importance on his family name and so does his family. But I guess he has shown me that biology plays a part in families, but there is an element to him that wants to give more of himself. I believe in families, and they are incredibly important. But I am definitely a believer of nurture over nature. I dont agree that blood and biological ties are the only things that make a family.
Ever since reading Confessions From An Unknown Chinese Mother by Xinran, I have a deep desire to adopt a little girl from China. In China, male babies are highly valued, especially in rural areas, quite simply because males are needed for physical strength when farming. Due to the One Child Policy, baby girls that are born are either abandoned and left to die, left at orphanges or killed shortly after birth. As a result, Chinese orphanges are teeming with baby girls. Kelvin and I have often discussed taking this route to build our family. Not because of some romantised ideal to be another Brangelina, or Charlotte from Sex and the City. But because we cannot stand to think of these children, without homes, without families. Kelvin, Jack and I can give a little girl a home and a family. We have the love. We have the resources. I am still a little hesitant. Kelvin is the one here cheering this notion along. I'm really proud of him. I'm proud that he has so much to give. And that he is willing to step outside the box, to create love from his own pain. It will be a few years before we investigate this. Nothing may ever come of it, I dont know. But it is a serious option for us.
So there you have it. They are just ramblings of a grieving mother at this point. Who knows what life has in store for us? I have learned very lately that you can plan till the cows come home, and do everything right, but you still have no control over God's Will.
This time last year, I had no idea that I would be a Babylost Mama by now. So who knows what this time NEXT year has in store?