Testament

This blog has been a very therapeutic way for me to process and express my grief. Although my grief will never go away, writing has helped me pour out the myriad of emotions and thoughts...and I think it has done its job. The blog began so that I could record Sybella's story, pay tribute to her short life...to recount events of her birth and death to all, so that it was written, proof that she exists, proof that she matters. That she is my daughter. I was desperate to have her acknowledged and writing allowed me to share her spirit and her soul, because physically, I couldnt share her. As I worked through the blog, over 20 months have passed. Sybella would be 20 months old. Writing is incredibly cathartic, and I was able to allow my thoughts to flow onto a keyboard, when my voice couldnt do it. People have been able to see a different side to me than they may in real life. Lots of things that I used to keep quiet about were raised. Passions and beliefs of mine were brought to the forefront. Many were indignant about this, but I dont care. That's what she taught me. To be strong, to be brave. To have conviction. To be at peace with not having to be liked by everyone. Not that I am giving myself permission to be loose and not monitor my words. It's just that I didnt want to be a peacekeeper anymore, and I wanted people to know what was important to me. I also wanted to stand up for those who couldnt stand up for themselves.
I dont know where these changes came from...they have been gradual, and many people have been surprised by them. Truth be told, however: I like myself better this way.
I read something the other day: "Dont underestimate me...until you challenge me."
Never before has one sentence resonated with me so strongly.

The values that have erupted from my conciousness over the last 20 months...are all so important to me. I never knew it, though. She gave me the ability to identify them, and the courage to express them.

I'd still rather have her, though.