Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Wish They Wouldn't...

Apologies to Maddie, a dear heart, and fellow baby lost mama for stealing her idea. But when reading her blog, I felt such an affinity with a particular post about how she felt about certain actions and comments in response to a child's death.
I wanted to contruct my own list of things that I wish people wouldnt say and do.

DISCLAIMER: If you begin reading this particular post, please read until the end, so that I can explain and clarify reasons for what I have said at the beginning. I am nervous about this post and do not want to upset anyone. I do still feel a need to be as honest as possible, especially for any other stillbirth mums out there who may be feeling this too. I do know that stillbirth is a very hard situation to deal with for a third party, and many people just dont know what to say and do. Now that my initial despair that my baby was taken from me has lessened slightly, I can respect and understand that most people react in the best way they can, taking into account both our feelings, and their own.



I'd also like to say that the comments below have been few and far between, and the majority of people have been spectacular in their support.

I wish they wouldn't:


  • Tell us that we are still young and can have another one soon.
  • Tell me they know how I feel, because they have had an early miscarriage themselves. (a miscarriage of a foetus, although devastating, is not the same as losing a baby in the third trimester, a baby who has a birth certificate, a death certificate and a funeral). 
  • Tell me that it was for the best, there must have been something terribly wrong, and it was the most humane outcome. (I would have taken Sybella any which way, as long as she was alive).
  • Refer to Kelvin and I as having one child. When Kelvin and I actually have two.
  • Make assumptions that Sybella died because of something I may or may not have done.
  • Suggest external ideas as to why Sybella died.
  • Put a timeline on my grief.
  • Assume that, if I am having a good day because I laugh at a joke or engage in a conversation, that I have "moved on" or "put her away" (One never moves on from losing a child, nor will Sybella ever be put away).


I need to clarify, however, point two. I have a huge amount of sympathy for mothers who have miscarriages, especially recurrent ones. The bond between a mother and a baby from the point of conception is incredibly special and unique, and I hope that no-one thinks I am down-playing a miscarriage experience. I myself, was devastated when I thought I was miscarrying Sybella in the early weeks. A miscarriage is a terrible loss, whether it is at 4 weeks or 23 weeks. A late miscarriage, especially is a heartbreaking experience, particularly if your baby is days away from viability, too early to be considered a stillbirth, meaning you miss out on the recognition of your baby as a human being, not a foetus. And if one has had a miscarriage after infertility, well, that's just an utter tragedy.
But when one is grieving, and their full term baby is compared to a miscarriage, it strikes a chord of unhappiness and resentment. If Sybella had been born alive at 34 weeks, she'd have a fantastic chance at survival. As Maddie says in her comment, a misscarriage is very different to holding a still, silent baby in your arms.
I hope I am clear and havent alienated anyone. I am sure that when people say this, they are trying to comfort me so that I dont feel so alone in my loss, to explain that they too know how it feels to have hopes and dreams shattered. I hope you can understand that my feelings come from a place of deep grief, at the time when a mother of a stillborn baby is angry at absolutely everyone.
This post was not meant to be a personal dig, it is merely an honest expression of how I felt, especially in those early days after Sybella's death.


Please understand.
xx

15 comments:

  1. No need to apologise to me - one of the hardest things about this is dealing with the things people say. They don't mean to hurt us but often they do.

    I've also had people say about me 'I know how she feels, I had a miscarriage'. And I don't seek to minimise the pain of miscarriage but it is different to stillbirth or neonatal death. To hold your still, silent baby is an experience that you won't understand unless you've been there.

    Maddie x

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  2. As a person who had two miscarriages, I can tell you that I wholeheartedly agree! It's not the same thing. The gulf between the two is akin to the difference between grandma dying of natural causes and a violent murder. Both are a loss and both are a tragedy but the flavor of the event is very different. I hope that you didn't think that I was comparing the two...

    With that said, there is ˝something˝ there in the women who experience even an early miscarriage. We do understand loss...the feeling that we didn't provide a hospitable environment for the new life...that we've disappointed our husbands...the fact that there will never be a future with this particular child...and yes, even the feeling of gratitude that we were blessed with this creature even if only for a couple months.

    I think we're all in agreement here. Nuff said.

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  3. Kimberly, you have hit the nail on the head! From the moment of conception, a mother has an affinity and unbreakable bond with her baby. I sincerely hope my post was not disrespectful in any way to you. And I never got the impression you were comparing the miscarriage and stillbirth. I simply thought you were bravely sharing your story to help me feel less alone, and I loved that. Your site has helped me immensely, and I cant wait until it is officially launched!

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  4. I think, actually, that all women should have the right to a birth certificate, death certificate and funeral for ANY child, no matter the "weeks along." Your child is real no matter HOW long you carry him or her. It hurt as much to me, I guarantee you, and I came to this blog specifically TO help me grieve the child I lost that "wasn't real," even though I was only 10 1/2 weeks. I envy you the funeral. I envy you the time your child spent in your arms. You were lucky. Maybe it would have helped with my subsequent weight gain and depression, etc. If it had been considered "real." I'm not trying to be mean or make you feel bad. Just know that it DOES hurt JUST AS BAD whether it was at 5 weeks or 35. Bc saying it didn't is like when that B*&ch of an Idiot told you she was dealing with "real baby" things. I hope you reported her so she knew never to say something like that again.

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  5. Anonymous, I am so very sorry for your loss. I really am.
    I can see you are speaking from the position never having experienced a stillbirth or neo-natal death. And I am truly thankful for that.
    But we will have to agree to disagree here.
    The reason that babies are not considered stillborn as opposed to miscarriages until after 24 weeks is because up until then, a baby is not viable (cannot survive) outside the womb. It's a fact of biology and science. So that is why 24 weeks is the cut off to say that a "baby" has died, not a "foetus."
    Please do not envy me a funeral. It is the most tragic event that a parent must go through. Please dont envy me holding my still, silent baby in my arms. I dont feel lucky. Please dont envy me going through labour for 4 hours to deliver a baby that didnt wake up.
    Your baby is real. He/she grew in you for 10.5 weeks and you loved him/her. That's all you need to concentrate on.
    But a miscarriage will never hurt "just as bad" as a stillbirth or neonatal death. You have to trust me on that.
    PS: The nurse who made the comments about "real babies" wasnt a bitch. She just didnt know any better.

    I wish you strength and peace on your journey of grief.

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  6. Sorry... I think I didn't word myself correctly. I only meant that at least you got to hold her and touch her and there was recognition of her life by those around you, that you were allowed your grief. I cannot imagine what you have been through. And we will have to agree to disagree about the pain part. The heart is not scientific, so I can't tell it that my loss was more or less than anyone elses... Believe me. I wish it would listen. I have two children as well, although one is in heaven. Strength and peace to you as well...

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  7. Anonymous - I'm also truly sorry for your loss.

    Unless you've experienced a stillbirth or neonatal death, you can't understand what it's like. Please don't be jealous of us holding our still and silent babies. Or in my case watching my child go through surgery and multiple other procedures in the four days she lived in the NICU only to watch her fade away and die in our arms.

    Your baby is real and acknowledging that however you want to may help your grief and depression. I know others have planted flowers or named their babies.

    Wishing you gentle days.

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  8. I understand what you are saying, and I can't fathom the pain you feel to give birth to a baby that didnt survive. Though I have just recently experienced a miscarriage at 6 and a half weeks. I have only really just started grieving properly, crying for days of a baby that I will never meet. I carry the guilt of failing as a mother because I couldnt provide adequate protection over my baby. I feel a hundred different feelings at once that I cant explain. My head is telling me its not my fault but my heart is telling me otherwise. I mean absolutely no disrespect in what I am about to say, and what your going through is heart renching. But all I have ever wanted since losing our baby was to see the life we created. When you go through a miscarriage, there is so many questions left unanswered, who did my baby look like, was it a boy or a girl, what colour hair, what colour skin; peaches and cream like mine or olive like my husband? We miss out on all this. And as for the funeral, I would have given anything to give Shiloh a proper funeral, rather than lose him/her down a toilet... I feel like I have failed Shiloh if in the case it had come out alive, as the ultrasound the day before had shown a heartbeat VERY strong even though I was bleeding and cramping uncontrollably. I had drowned it and if it didnt, I feel as though I just threw it away.. But I think the worst thing about miscarrying is the fact that after a miscarriage, people don't see you as having lost a 'baby', only a lump of cells that can be easily replaced by a successful pregnancy. "I happens to most women, your young and can conceive again". People look at me weird when I tell them that we named him/her. Like it never happened. You don't get recognised as having a baby, but Shiloh exists in every moment with us. Shiloh gets robbed of being recognised as a human being by most people but us. Only because he/she couldnt have survived outside the womb.. Thats not fair. Shiloh was a baby, she was our baby it doesnt matter how old she was. I would have done anything to see him/her, even just for one moment... My doctor said that my pain I experienced during our miscarriage was most probably very similar to labour pains though instead of contracting in periods, bad miscarriages like ours are like one long continuous contraction that doesnt stop until you pass the baby. For us it was 2 days of excruciation and agony on zero sleep...... (continue on the next post, it wouldn’t fit all in one)

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  9. I understand what you are saying, and I can't fathom the pain you feel to give birth to a baby that didnt survive. Though I have just recently experienced a miscarriage at 6 and a half weeks. I have only really just started grieving properly, crying for days of a baby that I will never meet. I carry the guilt of failing as a mother because I couldnt provide adequate protection over my baby. I feel a hundred different feelings at once that I cant explain. My head is telling me its not my fault but my heart is telling me otherwise. I mean absolutely no disrespect in what I am about to say, and what your going through is heart renching. But all I have ever wanted since losing our baby was to see the life we created. When you go through a miscarriage, there is so many questions left unanswered, who did my baby look like, was it a boy or a girl, what colour hair, what colour skin; peaches and cream like mine or olive like my husband? We miss out on all this. And as for the funeral, I would have given anything to give Shiloh a proper funeral, rather than lose him/her down a toilet... I feel like I have failed Shiloh if in the case it had come out alive, as the ultrasound the day before had shown a heartbeat VERY strong even though I was bleeding and cramping uncontrollably. I had drowned it and if it didnt, I feel as though I just threw it away.. (continue on next post)

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  10. But I think the worst thing about miscarrying is the fact that after a miscarriage, people don't see you as having lost a 'baby', only a lump of cells that can be easily replaced by a successful pregnancy. "I happens to most women, your young and can conceive again". People look at me weird when I tell them that we named him/her. Like it never happened. You don't get recognised as having a baby, but Shiloh exists in every moment with us. Shiloh gets robbed of being recognised as a human being by most people but us. Only because he/she couldnt have survived outside the womb.. Thats not fair. Shiloh was a baby, she was our baby it doesnt matter how old she was. I would have done anything to see him/her, even just for one moment... My doctor said that my pain I experienced during our miscarriage was most probably very similar to labour pains though instead of contracting in periods, bad miscarriages like ours are like one long continuous contraction that doesnt stop until you pass the baby. For us it was 2 days of excruciation and agony on zero sleep...... (continue on the next post)

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  11. He or she was our baby, and I had to endure pain for days to give birth to Shiloh. As i said above, I would have done anything to see and hold my baby and give it a proper goodbye than to flush it down the toilet. To feel as if you disrespected your own flesh and blood so much as to flush it down the toilet as if it was nothing but bodily excretions is the worst guilt I have ever felt, far beyond the guilt of not providing an adequate home for our baby. Please don't take this as disrespecting you or anyone else that has gone through a stillbirth. I havent experienced one and there is aspects of it that I will never understand unless i go through it and I respect you beyond anything for surviving the pain of it. But please, and Im begging you from the very core of my being, please don't downgrade a miscarriage as hurting less than a still birth. I am by no means saying that I would have preferred a stillbirth because I wish that nobody ever had to go through either, but a baby is a baby, no matter how old. It was still flesh and blood, it still had a beating heart. I saw it, I had proof. Our baby was as much as a human being as you or me and it died. (continue onto next post)

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  12. I am mother but with no child, as are you and every other person who has experienced it. After growing up knowing I had another sister and seeing my parents pain, I always thought that I would rather miscarry than to lose a baby after you have given birth and seen it. But now that I have experienced the pain of a losing our baby at 6 and a half weeks, nothing comes close to losing a son or daughter no matter how far along. I will never EVER know whether we had a son or daughter, never EVER touch his/her skin, I will never EVER run my fingers through his/her hair, I will never EVER cradle him/her in my arms and I will NEVER EVER kiss him/her goodbye..... Please be grateful that you got to do that, I will never been able to do it, whether or not my baby had a chance outside the womb, whether they had a chance at survival at all.. I will never do those things and that rips me apart at the core. I can't say that either one is more or less painful because I have never experienced both, but please, if you have never experienced a miscarriage please dont compare it as being less painful than the other. (continue onto next post)

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  13. What could be worse than losing your baby that you and your husband or partner or whoever created? Both you and I have experienced this pain. Different times, yes, but we both lost the same thing. What would happen if you lost your baby tomorrow? Would it be any less painful? Would you then turn around and say a stillborn was worse, knowing that it would be classified as a miscarriage. No birth certificates, no funeral yet all the while knowing that this was your child? I sincerely dont mean to be rude or to down grade any experience that you went through. But its real kick in the chest and a stab in the heart that, coming from people that have lost children themselves, you would downsize anybody elses grief of losing a child to being any less painful than your own. Everybody seems to think that you can pick up and move on from a miscarriage easily and it hurts to know that even people who have gone through similar situations think the same thing, "it could have been worse".....

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  14. I apologise about the first three posts, the second and third say the same as the first. it said it failed the first time but apparently it didnt..

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  15. Hi Angela,
    I am very sorry about your miscarriage. I hope your days are becoming gentler as time goes on. I just need to clarify a few things.
    This post was written months ago. When my grief was still raw and I had much anger. When someone compared my beautiful, fully formed baby to their 12 week miscarriage, I became very uspet. Maybe I was wrong to get uspet, but I did anyway. This is MY blog and I think I do a good job of being both honest AND diplomatic. I still need to say what I think and feel. I cannot censor it. Although I like to think I am helping people with my musings, ultimately, this is not a site for advice and support, it is MY experience, thoughts and feelings about the death of my daughter and stillbirth. I am in no way dismissing the pain of miscarriage. I think I made that quite clear. What I am saying is that unless someone has HAD a stillbirth or experienced neonatal death, they will not be able to see just how different it is to a miscarriage. I recognise your pain and am very sorry for your loss. It is quite clear how much you love your baby and that is the main thing. You, as her parent, keep her memory alive. Recognition from the government or anyone else is not needed. (Read Maddie's comment above, she says it much better than me).
    I also understand your comment about the funeral...you see it as a recognition that your baby existed as a person, which is why you envy it. But please trust me. Planning a funeral for a child is something you NEVER NEVER want to do. Whether it gives recognition or not. The palpable sadness and wrongness of the whole ceremony breaks my heart.
    I wish you peace and strength ahead, Angela. xx

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