Last night I had another dream about Sybella. It has been the first time I have dreamed about her since the night in hospital.
Waking up was the worst part. The reason for this is that I had dreamed that she was alive. She was alive, and we could bring her home. In my dream, she was wearing clothes that I had bought...clothes that are sitting in her cupboard right now. Black and white stripy leggings, a pink singlet and t-shirt. It makes me think that wherever she is now, must be warm, because it is pretty cold here in Australia at the moment. Why else would she be in a t-shirt?
So, yes, she was alive and I was holding her, tickling her tummy and feeling utter relief that my baby was alive and well. In my dream, I remember thinking the fact that she was stillborn must have been the dream. It was so vivid, I could make out her chubby little features so well.
Except, I felt utterly aware that even though she was alive now, in my dream, it was inevitable that she was going to die soon. I couldnt let go of the feeling that her time on Earth was short.
This makes me think that it was always Sybella's destiny to become an angel. Perhaps if we had delivered her in time, she would have been a sick little girl who wouldnt have survived anyway. I feel lucky, if that's the case, that she passed away peacefully in my womb, warm and protected, and didnt have to endure tubes and surgery and pain and fear. My heart goes out to Maddie, who had to watch her Matilda endure all these procedures and I dont know where she found the strength to watch her daughter go through all of that.
Again, I feel that this was a visitation, and I feel so blessed to have been able to feel Sybella's warmth, albeit in a dream, and connect with her once again.