I put this down to a number of things:
- A lifetime of diplomacy, hiding my beliefs as not to be confrontational to others who may not hold them.
- A recent upsurgance of challengers, who in the past, I would have ignored, but I just cant seem to curb myself when I feel challenged these days. It is a real impossibility, despite how hard I try.
- A new wave of anger that my daughter was taken from me. Especially that it is Christmas. It is a generalised, free floating anger. And wrongly, I channel it by being overly outspoken and vocal about what I think.
Please know that even though I have certain strong values and beliefs, I would never judge anyone else for their choices. Even if it has seemed lately that I have. My choices are separate entities from yours. I have made mine, and I have recently felt the need to vocalise them. But the purpose of my vocalisation was to be heard myself, not to push them onto anyone else. I hope that is understood.
As Christmas gets closer, I am sadder and sadder and miss my Bella more and more. And as Christmas gets closer, I edge closer to the 34 week mark of my pregnancy, and with each day, I panic a little bit more. Mourning, coupled with anxiety and adding the physical burden of a 29 week old pregnancy in an Australian summer is making me...not so nice. It is making me not think properly. It is making me...self absorbed? Or perhaps the word is insular. It is like I am in my own little bubble of grief and anxiety and heat. Occassionally, I step out of the bubble, and realise I have been argumentative, agitated, and in focusing on my own feelings, have failed to see how my behaviour or words may have impacted on others.
And so I am sorry. I may have even emailed you personally to apologise. So please consider this one extra.
I have spent many hours ashamed. And embarrassed.
This is a terribly honest post.
I am hoping and hoping that these feelings and impulses are short lived. I am praying for a sense of peace to wash over me soon, in regards to my sleeping baby, and also the one growing inside me now. I am praying for acceptance and serenity. Perhaps my anger and frustration are part of the process.
I want peace and love and friendship to be in my life. Not anger and fear and volatility.
So, I apologise. And I thank you for your patience.
I still have a long road ahead of me. But I will try and emulate Sybella's purity to help me through this time, and do away with the anger.
Deep, cleansing breaths. One at a time.
Steph - I don't think you've been overly assertive. Go easy on yourself - you're dealing with a lot right now. Losing a baby is hard, Christmas is someone missing is hard - especially the first one, PAL is hard, and pregnancy during the Aussie summer is hard even without everything else. Just keep breathing.
ReplyDeleteI'm less inclined to do things for the sake of keeping others happy anymore - does that mean I'm not as nice. I'm not sure but there's probably some that perceive it that way.
Thinking of you everyday and hoping that baby is kicking you all the time (it was the only thing that kept me sane I think).
Maddie x
Steph, don't beat yourself up. I was exactly where you are once. Hannah was born still in June and then my Mary was born the next June. It was a difficult, emotional pregnancy following Hannah's death. You do the best you can and just move on, knowing that you are doing all that you can handle right now.
ReplyDeleteI too know what these feelings are like.
ReplyDeleteI felt them all when I was expecting Logan a year after Connor's death.
All the isolation you are doing is kinda "normal" in Subsequent pregnancies after loss. It's a way of dealing with everything, every little bit of tension and anxiety and apprehension that is going on within you.
Go easy on yourself for the duration of your pregnancy. And remember to smile through some of it too. It'll make you feel better.
Love you Steph xx
ReplyDelete<3 must be hard. you are in my thoughts
ReplyDeletex Cat