Well, Christmas crept up, didnt it now? Has Sybella really been dead for 7 months? It seems like ages ago, but it also seems like yesterday. In all honesty, the last 7 months have been a whirlwind of pain, heartache, sorrow but also happiness (mostly due to learning about Rainbow Baby), new beginnings, gratitude, learning curves and newfound strength. I attribute all these positives to her. Sybella. She was the one who made them all come about.
Veteran babylost mothers say that 7 months is still so fresh. I am so weary from sorrow that I feel that I have always been this person...the person with a dead child. You know how people say "I cant remember life before children?" Well, I cant remember life without the constant, heavy burden of grief. Others tell me that it took them a good 6 months to feel normal again. To feel human. That they watched the world and felt like they werent part of it. I havent really had that luxury. I fell pregnant immediately, had a preschooler to be there for and a husband who works an hour from where we live, and so I barely see him during the week due to him being away from 6am until 8pm. My life was thrown back into "normality" very shortly after Sybella's death, and so my only outlet, my only forum to process my feelings and be completely indulgent is this blog. I guess that is why it is so "variable." Sometimes it's controversial, sometimes it is narky or angry, sometimes it is bewildered, sometimes it is heartbreaking and filled with pain, sometimes it is lighthearted. Sometimes it just makes no sense. Kind of like my daughter's death.
As Christmas looms, I am struck by a whole new wave of grief that washes over me.The "what if" kind.
Such as the memories from last Christmas, when I was 14 weeks pregnant with Sybella, and we all chattered excitedly about the new baby that would be here by Christmas 2010. I imagined Jack helping a 6 month old open presents and show his new sibling how to "work" the toys she would be receiving. I imagined taking a preschooler and a new baby to visit Santa. As it stands, I took Jack on Friday. And brought home a photo with only him in it. No new baby. It has been only him in the Santa photo since 2006. I prayed after our visit to Santa on Friday that next year's photo would have two of my three children in it.
Writing out my Christmas cards this morning, I remembered that a year ago, I thought I would be writing "from Kelvin, Stephanie, Jack and Sybella." Now it says "from Kelvin, Stephanie and Jack"...and Sybella's name is stamped in the right hand bottom corner, next to a picture of an angel.
Trimming the Christmas tree. Of course, a 6 month old wouldnt have been able to help, but it has always been a family event for us. Except this year, one family member was missing.