Friday, November 12, 2010

Well, I Bought An Urn For My Daughter Today...

At the moment, Bella's ashes sit in a little white plastic box on her shrine.
I just then, a few minutes ago, found the courage to shop online for a proper urn. I had planned to go to the place where she was cremated and get one from them, but I couldnt handle someone watching me while I spent time choosing a container for my daughter's remains. It's not the same as choosing a pair of shoes, or a dress for her, is it? This is her Forever Box. She wont outgrow it, like she would a dress.
Anyway, I found a beautiful one on the internet, it is heart shaped, brushed pewter and I had her name and date of birth engraved on it. When it arrives, I will take it to a funeral home and ask them to switch the ashes to the real urn.
The next order of business is whether to have a plaque made for her. You know, a special plaque with something nice inscribed, that sits in the Baby Rose Garden at the local cemetery, that we can visit on special occassions. Kelvin doesnt think it is necessary. I tend to agree, but I wonder is it still something you "do"? If I dont have a plaque made and put in the cemetery, does that mean I dont care enough?
Personally, I dont feel the need to "go" and sit somewhere to connect with Bella. She lives in my heart and my head anyway. And I hate the thought of a plaque sitting in the middle of a cemetery with her name on it...all by itself most of the time. We would visit at birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas et cetera, but what about the times that we arent there? What about night time? Night time is scary in a cemetery. I dont want her memorial plaque sitting all alone in a cemetery at night. That probably sounds strange, because it is just an object, isnt it? But it would be one of the few objects that we have that bears her name and memory, and all of those that we do have, I want to keep close. I dont want anything of hers to be where we arent.
I think I probably just answered my own question about the plaque...but am interested to know what other babylost parents have done in regards to their child's ashes/burial.
I've never done this before.


  1. Hey Steph... I just want to give you a big hug. The urn sounds beautiful.

    We buried Kat and selected a plaque for her gravestone. It's very plain. When we got to the place that makes them we saw a sample one without a border and as soon as we saw it that was what we wanted. Choosing a border for our daughter's plaque suddenly seemed so trivial and stupid. We had already written what was going on it and we are really happy with how it came up. Very plain and simple but beautifully made. It has the words "cherished" and "loving", it has her name on it, her name which means so much to us, and our nickname for her.

    We've only seen it once. Two weeks after Kat died, Michael's business partner terminated their partnership. Not to go all conspiracy theorist here, but the truth is that her end of the business was stalling while his had doubled in 18 months and she took the opportunity while he was down to get him out and take over his side of it. We had to make a very quick decision about what to do next and the decision was for him to get out of the legal practice and retrain as a teacher. He was offered a job up here on the coast which gives him time to study so we took it and moved 7 weeks after Kat died. Her plaque hadn't been finished before we moved.

    Going by the other grave sites around Kat's, I'm guessing that what I'm about to say puts me in the minority. As always, please understand that this is just my personal feeling and I never try to project on to other people what any of us "should" do. I don't like graves with 'stuff' all over them. I don't want fake flowers and little toys on my daughter's grave. I certainly don't want little angels on it. And so there is a grave in Armidale for a little baby girl who is so dearly loved and missed and it is empty. There is no one there to put flowers on it. No one to visit it. Coming up to the anniversary it's breaking my heart that we can't put flowers down for her. We will have them in a vase at home instead.

    I think you're absolutely right in your circumstances about not going with a plaque. You have Sybella's ashes with you and with all her other things. Just an idea - if you wanted to contribute in some way to a public memorial like that maybe you could plant a rose in it for Sybella?

  2. Steph, all I want to say is that I think you just get more amazing, I know you would tell me that you're NOT amazing etc etc, but I dont care I think you are. Sybella's urn sounds beautiful. As for the cemetery, i tend to agree with you. My dad is buried and I hardly ever get a chance to see him. All it does is make me feel guilty that I cant go there enough. (Sorry I know you asked for angel baby's mums & dads opinions but thought I'd give mine anyway)

    I love how you say, "it would be one of the few objects that we have that bears her name and memory, and all of those that we do have, I want to keep close. I dont want anything of hers to be where we arent." I think thats just spot on. You do what your heart tells you to do. Whatever you decide is never the wrong decision. Love ya xxxx

  3. Catching up on your blog today, sorry I have been absent. We had Hope buried. I just couldn't come at cremation, but then neither option is pleasant, is it? I don't go often, and it bothers me somewhat. I think about going at least once a week, but generally only end up there on the "big" days. Thankfully, the spot where she is buried is absolutely beautiful, so I have that at least.