Sunday, August 22, 2010

Other People's Babies

Other people's babies dont bother me.
When Sybella first died, and even now, many many people were very concerned about how I would react when confronted with a newborn baby, especially a girl.
When I went to pick up Sybella's hand and feet mouldings, the owner was mortified that she was moulding another new baby's hands when I showed up. She apologised profusely and said she had tried to arrange it so I wouldnt have to see any newborns. I shrugged it off.
Quite a few babies were born shortly after Sybella...and they were girls too. I remained fairly non-responsive about this too. I found it difficult to offer my congratulations, and often waited a few days or even weeks after the birth to do so. But, and this is very important, it was NOT because I was upset about the birth of these babies and felt "jealous" or resentful. I took my time in responding because I didnt want the new parents to feel uncomfortable around me. These new parents had every right to be excited and happy about their new addition...although I wanted Sybella to be acknowledged, I DID NOT want the new parents to feel like they had to hide their baby or down play it's birth because they were worried about how it would affect me and Kelvin. So I let them have their time, and when the initial excitement had died down, I would email or was the best I could do, as it was still a sensitive predicament. Kelvin was better than  me, he phoned personally. I would send my congrats along with him. Because of course, even though I never resented these babies or their parents, it still made me a little bit sad...I thought about what could have been and what should have been. I thought that it so easily could have been me with the new baby. But it wasnt. And yes, every news of a birth sent a pang through me, but at the end of the day, I really wasnt worried about it. Because of this:

That other baby wasnt MY baby. I only wanted MY baby, Sybella. I didnt want just any baby, for the sake of it. I only wanted her. If I saw a friend's new baby, I was able to hold it without sadness and differentiate between it and Sybella. I guess that is healthy, well, I tell myself it is.

So no-one need worry about the effect of new babies (or any aged baby for that matter) on me. Because, as this is my supremely honest blog, I am being very truthful (no brave faces here!) about how seeing another baby affects me. Sybella is the only baby I want. And since that baby isnt Sybella, seeing a baby for me is a non-issue.

I am so proud to be Sybella's mother and I wouldnt replace her for the world. To me, she's very different and much more special (in fact, I feel that way about all angel babies). Sybella is my daughter. Wouldnt change that for anything.

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