You have to excuse my lack of posts of late. I'm on struggle street, emotionally and physically. My posts will probably become more and more infrequent as the baby's birth draws closer. I hate that this time is taken away from Sybella, but I am so completely paranoid that I need to concentrate on being vigilant about this baby's wellbeing.
I am finding myself at the hopsital every second day or so for CTG monitoring. It is the only time I feel relaxed, those 20-30 minutes or so where I can actually hear the regular thumping of our baby's heartbeat.
I turned up the other day for a CTG and had to have it done in the recovery section, as the normal room was occupied. There are 4 beds in recovery, mainly for women who have just had a cesearean. I was lying in my little curtained-off section, listening to the heartbeat, when a fairly young woman was wheeled in with her new baby. She was accompanied by her mother and partner. I couldnt see her, but I could hear her tinny, very young-sounding voice.
"Ohhhhhhhh. I have a dauuugghhhttterrrrrrrrr!" she emphatically exclaimed. Over and over and over she said this. "I cant believe I get to keep you!!!"
Then came the phone calls and the desperate attempts to post her news to Facebook. "Hello? I have a dauuugghhhttterrrrrrrrr! She's perfecttttttt!" Cue: vivid and detailed explanations of her new baby's appearance. "Black curly hair! Beautiful fingernails!"
I lay there, listening to this. I'm not an unreasonable person. I know that: 1. She didnt know I was there. 2. She didnt know my situation. 3. Even if she did, who cares? She was entitled to gush over and celebrate her baby.
But it was still cutting to listen to it.
When she said: I have a dauuugghhhttterrrrrrrrr! I thought: "Me too."
When she said: She's perfecttttttt! I thought "so is mine."
When she said: I cant believe I get to keep you!!! I thought: "You lucky, lucky woman."
And she probably has no idea just how lucky she really is.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
We've missed you Steph! Been thinking about you heaps lately and was going to write to you and see how you're doing. My vote is that you ask The Boss if you can borrow a doppler (not sure if that's the right name) to take home and listen to the heartbeat whenever you want without having to drive to the hospital.
ReplyDeleteIt can't hurt to ask...
Love xx
I have missed you!!
ReplyDeleteGosh this must have been really hard for you, I could never even pretend to act like I know how hard your situation is, I am devastated anyone has to go though this type of loss.
I think (well from my point of view) I would rather hear an over enthusiastic new mum than one who seems to be "meh" about it.
Nothing makes me hurt more than new mothers complaining about how hard things are, their lack of sleep etc.
I am sure that karma will bite me in the ass and I will totally get it if I am ever blessed with a child of my own.
I can actually find some joy in a mother who sounds, or seems genuinely happy to be blessed by their children. It makes me feel a little less bitter, it makes me smile for a minute, because I can be still be happy for those who really understand how lucky they are.
Hope that makes sense.
By the way lovely, I awarded you a stylish blogger award over at my blog - if you would like to see here is the link
http://lifeincatspyjamas.blogspot.com/2011/01/stylish-blogger-award.html