As it stands, he is a beautiful little boy who has given our family its peace back. Sybella brought us spiritual peace, but this is different. This is an accomplishment, a feeling of contentment, a crossing of the finish line. The weeks preceding his birth were some of the hardest of my life. Up there with the weeks following Sybella's death. Both those experiences tested me beyond what I ever thought I could endure. He is here now, safe and sound and I feel complete. I feel happy. I also feel a hole...Archie's presence serves to remind me that Sybella isnt here. But I feel philosophical about it. Sybella had a purpose. She served her purpose, only by gracing our family for a short while. If we hadnt conceived Sybella when we did, and had she not have died, we wouldnt have Archie. Archie's body and soul were obviously meant to walk this Earth, but Sybella's wasnt. I have no place to question that, it is the business of God and/or the Universe. Of course, there is an element of bittersweet-ness about this concept. Two of my children couldnt be here together. One had to die so another could be born. Kind of heart-wrenching. To think I easily could be chasing an 11 month old little girl around, but not have my newborn son...or the reality, which is that I have my newborn son but my beautiful daughter is dead, forever to be a newborn herself. She should be 11 months old...but she isnt.
Her birthday approaches. How does one commemorate the first birthday of a child who died before she was born?
I do know that we will all spend it together...Kelvin, myself, Jack and Archie. We will do something simple but pretty. Our two beautiful sons will grow up knowing all about their sister. Jack will remember her. Archie will learn about her.
I'm extremely happy to hear of Archie's arrival Steph! Congratulations to all of your family :) Those last few weeks must have been so tough for you, but you are so strong & come through it.
ReplyDeleteFor our little boy's 1st birthday, we went to a special place, spent time remembering, talking about him & throwing his flowers. We have done it every year since & I will be very happy to take his little sister, Larna this year.
Will be a special day no matter what you decide to do.
I really like your thoughts on this. While I don't think mine are entirely the same, I think this is a beautiful way to look at things, and to be honest I wish I could think this way more myself.
ReplyDeleteThose last weeks of the pregnancy - oh god - the second hardest thing I have ever done for sure. I'm glad you got through it and more importantly, that Archie went home with you, strapped in the car seat. Like all babies should.
xo
I love you xxxx
ReplyDeleteOh Steph, facing the anniversary is more of an entire season, it's not just one day. But I found our time together on Sage's anniversary, peaceful, it was nice. We went away camping and it was lovely.
ReplyDeleteBut the lead up is hard. Remember we're all here for you as you go through it.
I'm glad your beautiful boy has let a little light into your lives, life is strange~ the contrasts are overwhelming at times and confusing. xoxoxo
Bree
All three of your children are lucky to have you as their mother, Steph.
ReplyDeleteStephanie.
ReplyDeleteOur stories are quite alike. We have three children. Alex, Erin (stillborn) and Jon. On our daughter's first birth day and anniversary we spent the morning together catching the sunrise over Terrigal Beach, breakfast and a visit to Erin's resting place. I had no interest sharing this special day with extended family.
I hope what you choose to do for Sybella's day is exactly what you want to do.
Go gently,
Angela