As our Rainbow Baby prepares to be born, I had to begin thinking about clearing out Sybella's room that we had so lovingly set up for her early last year. I had to clear out the cupboard, full of her freshly washed and folded clothes. I put this task off for as long as I could. Then one day, without even thinking about it, I walked into the room and just started doing it. I pulled pictures off the wall, sheets off the cot. I unplugged the lamp and pulled all the clothes out of the cupboard. I did all of this in about ten minutes, as brutally as ripping off a bandaid as quickly as possible. I didnt let myself think about what I was doing. That was probably a bad idea, because later on, the guilt flooded in and I sobbed as I apologised to Sybella for "packing her away." I had a large plastic box on wheels and all of her belongings went in there. All her beautiful, girly things. I dont know what we will do with them. A few neutral items are able to be reused for Rainbow Baby, so I put them aside for him. In the VERY UNLIKELY event that we have another baby, and it happens to be a girl, I have no problem reusing Bella's clothes for her. Otherwise, after waiting an appropriate length of time (like, ten years), I will probably donate the items to charity. Or maybe I'll just keep them forever and bring them out occassionally to smell and cry over.
The funny thing is, even though Rainbow Baby is eleven days away from being born, we still say "Sybella's room." Maybe it will always be her room.
